*a post that would normally take me less than 10 minutes to craft just took me 5.5 hours to write and publish*
Life can throw us curveballs. Sometimes, those curveballs come in the form of a new diagnosis. For me, that curveball is Functional Neurological Disorder (FND).
FND is a condition where the brain and nervous system don't communicate properly. This can lead to a variety of symptoms, including weakness, numbness, blindness, tremors, and seizures. For me, it manifests as tremors and seizures; from blank stares to full on 3-minute convulsions.
Here is a more practical life example that may make more sense:
ALL BRAINS are like a high-powered computer, the ultimate operating system for my body. Thankfully, for my brain, all the wiring and chips are in top shape. But the software? Well, let's just say it has a few bugs. When I push it too hard—too many mental windows open, or a particularly nasty program running—it crashes. Cue the 'spinning wheel of death,' also known as a seizure. It's the brain's equivalent of a 'would you like to wait or force close?' prompt you receive on your browser. Sometimes, I'm quick enough to 'force close' with deep breaths and prevent a full system freeze. Other times, I'm stuck waiting for the reboot."
After a couple chauffeured rides in a pretty red bus, 4 days and 3 nights between two hospitals, numerous nurses and doctors, and worried loved ones, I received my diagnosis—I was scared. I didn't know what it meant for my future; my children, my home, my business, my hobbies... But I quickly realized that I couldn't let FND define me just like I have never let any other bump in the road define me either.
I am afraid, yet fearless.
I am disciplined, yet feral.
I am excited, yet anxious.
I am persistent, yet hesitant.
I am confident, yet insecure.
I am Kaysyn Krystal and I will never forget how wildly capable I am.
So, you are all probably wondering, "What does Kaysyn Krystal look like with FND?"
Well, pretty much the same Kaysyn you've always known—plus a few more bruises, some extra stuttering, wiggles, and brain blips. My symptoms will come and go, and in some cases, they may go away completely.
Being diagnosed with FND has been a significant adjustment and it is HARD. I'm working on understanding it, but I won't pretend I'm not struggling with a lot of things including an insecurity about it—mostly because, I myself, did not believe in these kinds of health issues. It's a vulnerable place to be; however, I'm determined to move forward and ask that you continue to see me as the person you've always known. Your unwavering support, without treating me differently, will be a powerful source of strength for me.
I am endlessly grateful for all the thoughts and prayers my girls and I have had, and will receive through this odyssey—who knows, maybe one day it will all make a great book to encourage and motivate others to overcome their struggles! God has a plan for me.
Next blog, I want to share with you when this all began back in 2009—'The Year of the Apocalypse (& Puberty)'
